It takes time to be fully ourselves in this world
These pictures are part of the "INDIVISIBLE II" campaign launched by @_1morecup in partnership with MOSAIC-MENA and with the support of the German Embassy in Lebanon for the 16 Days of Activism to End Gender-Based Violence 2023. This project documented stories of diverse survivors of GBV, from some of the most marginalized community groups.
In Lebanon, the reality of being queer, set against the backdrop of Arab culture, is not only challenging but also deemed forbidden. In fact, within Lebanese laws, same-sex relations can result in punishment, with a potential one-year imprisonment for homosexuals in 2021. Xafeer represents one voice amid others, confined within a society of judgments and prohibitions. He is merely one voice silenced by numerous others compelled to remain mute due to societal, familial, and religious pressures.
Xafeer is a twenty-two—year-old graphic design student identifying as a non-binary and trans masculine. At the age of nineteen, after an identity crisis in adolescence, he distanced himself from she/them pronouns and found comfort in identifying as he/them. He said, «I sort of grew up sheltered; I didn’t know what being gay was until I was thirteen. It took me another four years to realize I do have gender dysphoria. I ignored it and put it in the back of my mind. Back then, I didn’t have the space in my head to wonder who I was and what my identity was.»
Like many of us, Xafeer’s journey through adolescence was not easy. Amidst his mother’s frequent hospitalizations and his father’s overwhelming work commitments, he began introspecting about life and choices. «Before, I was just going with the flow. In this life, I have a role and I know where I stand. It took me five years to realize I have something to identify with. Today, I find myself in the midst of coping, growing, and understanding why I used to have certain behaviors.»
Our society plays a role in how we perceive ourselves. Like many others in Lebanon, Xafeer faces challenges in openly embracing their trans masculine identity due to societal norms and the fear that their families and friends might not be accepting, forcing them to conform to established expectations. “I understand that my parents are like how society views it. When it comes to these things, they make fun of it, they don’t take it seriously.” As Xafeer shared, it is anchored in the mores and highlights the struggles individuals in the LGBTQ+ community may face in societies with rigid norms and limited acceptance. However, surrounding himself with trans and non-binary friends allowed him to express how he feels and accept his identity.
The day his mother found out he was hanging out with queer people, she told him you look like them but I know who you truly are from inside. If not accepting at all, parents will decide to deny it, often fearing the judgment of their family and deeply wishing that their kid will change, as if it was a passing feeling that could go away. Against all expectations, when Xafeer fully came out to her, she took the time to think and was not on the offensive. When coming out in front of his father, another taboo was tackled. Xafeer explained that his father found a condom in his apartment, and in an attempt to ease the situation, he came out as a lesbian. The fact that his father calmed down after Xafeer came out as a lesbian highlights the paradox where fathers might prefer their daughters to identify as lesbian rather than engaging in heterosexual relationships in a society where virginity is expected to be preserved until marriage.
Xafeer did not have the opportunity to sit down with his parents for a proper conversation about coming out. "I didn't have my moment" he said, acknowledging that only recently has he realized that, despite growing up with an abusive father, he was only acting based on what he knew from his own education and the society. "It is generational. My mum grew up around it. My dad grew up in a broken house. He was dealing with me the way he knew, and he didn't know any better. That helps me humanize him and pull off this unbearable anger I had toward him." After many conversations and established boundaries, his dad now accepts him as his own person with his own ambitions.
Indeed, in our society, female sexuality is almost nonexistent. From a distance, it appeared that things were progressing, evolving until we suddenly took a step backward. Considering this regression, and to name only a few, the drag show targeted by a conservative and homophobic party on the street of Mar Mikhael in August 2023, the Ministry openly expressing a desire to prohibit events supporting homosexuality, and even the idea of censoring the movie Barbie because Ken doesn't conform to societal norms of masculinity, plunges the queer community once again into a state of division and discrimination, altering their perspective on life and choices. As for Xafeer, who wishes to undergo his transition outside of Lebanon because he doesn't feel safe due to societal attitude and pressure. He believes he should announce his transition after it is completed to avoid his parents or relatives trying to convince him to stop: It is scary. It is very scary. People can attack you, set a target on you.This is what scares me.
Surprisingly or not, this discrimination and homophobic behavior can come from our surroundings. As Xafeer revealed, many of his friends from high school distanced themselves from him. Some even began posting homophobic content on social media. He expressed, "I am not out to anyone; it was only because of my appearance. I even tried to convince them that I am straight, that I have a boyfriend (...) It is not safe for me to be friends with them anymore. I wish they would understand that it is a struggle to be born this way, born in a way that the entire society is against you.”
Today, Xafeer sense that there is much more for him to discover. It is never too late, and he believe he sill has tue time to reach a stage in his life where he could gaze at himself in the mirror and truly recognize himself as he is. Living a liberated life is crucial to him, and he has come to realize the importance of releasing any negative emotions. He said : This is a lesson I’ve learned recently. Holding onto negativity only consumes us from inside.
“I struggle when it comes to expressing myself gender wise. I don’t want my breast to be revealed. I want to decide how to do my hair.”
“I feel very comfortable with my masculine side but at the same time I cannot be with my feminine one. From my young age, I struggled to be what people would define as being a woman. I struggled to have any sort of identity because it was like people would always say I’m not man enough but I am also not woman enough.”
it takes time to be fully ourselves in this world.
“I will reach a point in my life where I will look at myself in the mirror and recognize what i see. I will live freely.”
I asked Xafeer to look at himself when he was 13 and to deliver a message to his inner child: Be patient. Take your tine. You are going into hards stuffs but you are not alone. Take it easy, don’t be so hard on yourself.
When I asked Xafeer where he sees his older self, he said, “My older self won't be in this country. He will be surrounded by kind and understanding people, serving as a safety net always there for me, and having an even better relationship with my parents.”